09.06.08: this is the new day. Like I said, I’ve been smoking and there are things I like about it and things I loathe about it. I feel like I’m getting addicted again. It’s a legal drug ya know. These fucking things are beginning to run my life a little. Late in the night … I start out with a couple here and there and the next thing I know I’m smoking 5 a day, then ten a day… It fucking scares me. And I find myself out on the porch in the rain like a dumb dick getting wet from that shit with smoke and coffee in hand. It was like I was blessed with this gift of not smoking and then I took it for granted thinking I had some sort of power over it and then it whacked me! So here I am… I don’t know the outcome but I’m sure it isn’t good. What can be good about smoking? Then there are the orgasms, which I so love… by myself or with someone. It really doesn’t matter because when I want to cum, I’m gonna do it and that’s that! I jack off then I jack off again… it never seems like its enough. I don’t know if it ever will be… I have been going through all my pictures lately and missing Raybo like I always do… There was, and still is, such a connection with us. It’s like a lost lover. I know I’ve said this before but it’s so true. I look at pictures of us together and I just get sad and nostalgic. I get happy too, remembering all our times together.  There were so many of them. He really showed my how to rock a girl’s world. I would watch him as he would go down on a girl’s pussy and then I would emulate him. I always took notes. I really had no idea what I was doing when I was 20 years old. He was 17. And he has written songs about us: Porn Star & Dead End Street. I love that man! I’m listening to that now… The hour of lament… 

 

09.05.08: There have been so many days that just pass me by without a word into this journal… occurrences and missions and words in other books and photo shop obsession… it just gets the best of me. It’s raining in New York. I walked in the beginning sprinkles turning into droplets and from sprinkles to droplets they became the wetness that soaked my heart and melted away the Brooklyn night… like a shower unwanted and my pace picked up quickly thinking I was going to melt and my thoughts wandered back and forth… “why am I running? Slow down. Hurry to the apartment. Hurry and get there… I like rain. Why am I walking so fast? Slow down. You’re not going to melt.” As my shirt became damp and my military green messenger bag looked like it had chicken pocks. We always get ourselves into some situation that we can’t have. The faraway eyes that Mic Jagger sang about in 1977… The girl with faraway eyes… Just listen to that song and know where we end up… I’m falling in love with some girls… It’s my nature to want the things I can’t have. So I create situations that keep me in the grips of wonder. Love is so powerful. Feelings, emotions, love… If it were as easy as sending money to a gospel preacher in Los Angeles I would send all my money… I would send it and hope, but that isn’t going to happen, lets be honest. I’m in love with love. I love everything about love. And that is why I want to be in love. I want to be in lust and everything else under the sun of two people twisting their hearts into knots for the sake of wanting the high of love to never go away… then we can put on Shattered and remember Faraway eyes… like it was the last track we ever made together… But I don’t really want that. I do want it. My life has been a series of falling in and out of love. The heart feels like it drops from the chest to the ground… this is the stones metaphor hour. She’s so cold can sum up the day…

 

June 6th, 2008 / New York / 319PM: Dreams of you in the early morning hours… they followed my tears early in the night… I miss you so much… the dreams were of happiness and… just being with you was so awesome. It was so comforting to my soul. This has been the hardest thing in my life to overcome. Addiction of cigarettes and crack is nothing in comparison. Really, it’s nothing compared to the grieving I’ve experienced in the passing of you… Sometimes I feel as though there are things that tell me to join you… That life will be much easier on your side… I wont have to worry about people liking me, or girls being cool to me… None of it will matter anymore once I join you… The foreverness of eternity in death… The selfishness of it… the permanence in it… nothing will matter once I’m with you… just memories… no more bitterness… no more hoping… no more nothing… no more explaining why I am the way I am… no more stressing about being good enough or bad enough and no more debt to the IRS and no more personal debt… no more fica score concerns and ass kissing to the fucking government and no more paying into the system some people claim is a free society… I’m not free… No more worries about how old I am and the fight I fight about dating young girls; not that I even want to do that anymore but I’m sick and tired of excuses and the girls that have something to say about it would never date me anyway so shut up with your judgments’ please, thank you. Plus I can’t provide what you want anyway. Money at a 40 hour a week job to give it all away to another person seems like the perfect act of selflessness. Sharing… I can’t even believe my friend Mike is no longer here… I fucking miss you so much. And I think to myself… what if you were still here… In my dreams you were so you… So great! And I think about whether or not I would still feel the way I do only project those things on to some other part of my life… I wonder… I know it wouldn’t be like that. I’m gonna be there for four days this month… I wonder how it will be… I think about your house and your kids and how I cried when I left the last time… Your daughters crying the night away and saying goodbye to syd… fucking saddens my heart and I contemplate everything I say because I feel like I’m whining to nothing and that no one is hearing me and it seems like there’s no solution to this pain I live in… If I’ve ever hurt you in any way, please forgive me. I didn’t mean it, I promise. We all struggle. I just need some relief… I know permanence (aka: suicide) is not the solution for this problem but then again it’s the only way the pain will ever completely be eliminated… It just all feels so beautifully wrong… but in my dreams you seem so you… if there was anyone that ever completely understood me it was you Mike… I’m crying again… this is so fucking sad!

 

June 24, 2008 / 217AM / New York: Today was really good. I slept until 3pm then went for a walk to starbucks for coffee. Down the boardwalk and sweating in the overcast day. I made it to starbucks and got a power bar on the way at a health food store. Did I tell you that I think the black girls in my neighborhood are beautiful… they are amazing! I walk back down and I’m following this woman that looks to be around 32 or so pushing a stroller with all her hope inside and she’s wearing red pants and a revealing white top with the brown skin showing beautifully… I follow her all the way down the beach and pass her at one point then went about 4 blocks to get starbucks and when I came back it was like I had been following her the whole time because I was right behind her again only going the other way now… I lost interest in the sway of her apple and found lament inside a Jets To Brazil song called China Town… Further into the anticlimactic stage of deception of my own won-over-thoughts-of-the-past and how much things affect me to this day about who I’ve spent time with and what I’ve done over the previous years of my life… The day was grey and somewhat depressing but not today. My mind stayed positive in the negativity it creates… thoughts and more thoughts of everything and everyone and what to do and letting go of the power I’ve been putting into my relationships… I’m letting it all go and anticipating a natural manifestation of all things great and good as a goal and priority. The only other choice is to go on the best I can with the current mind set and that mind set is one that has always failed me. At coffee: café’s tend to have this interesting effect on my persona and it’s always enhanced by the caffeine intake and of course the topic. Casey was with me and we got into it about relationships and girls. It’s always about that with us. He started telling me about this situation with a girl he hooked up with in Brooklyn and how he was waiting to fuck her until the next time they met up. There was never a next time with him and her. I told him, “Never act like there’s a next time with a girl in New York, the time is always now and there is no such thing as later when it comes to girls in New York”. He went on to tell me about how he wants to get his shit together before he gets serious with a girl and how “when he finally does get his shit together” it will happen with him and a girl. I just thought about what he was saying and had to parallel his thinking to my own thought process. And it dawned on me that I’ve been waiting to be in a certain place that I’ve never really been able to get to in order to be with the right girl or be in the right relationship but that relationship has never happened. And I believe if I keep thinking that way i.e. “when I finally get my shit together thinking” I may never be in a relationship. It was a stark revelation for me. And I really believe that we are what we think. (I’m reading Sacred Hoops by Phil Jackson and the book is opening my eyes and my heart to a lot of new ways to think). The fact of my life at this point is undoing the ways and things that I’ve been trained to do and the self-centered ways I’ve been thinking. I know it’s going to take some time to get my thinking clear but as long as I’m willing to do it and I try everyday, I’m on my way. I’m so tired of having this jealous attitude toward people. I know they feel it. And I’m tired of being afraid of girls. I’m actually really funny and fun to be around which I proved to myself the other day with Laura’s Mother. I had plenty to talk about with her and Laura and I made them laugh and think. But it’s my greed of sexual desire and my insecurities and self-centered makeup that stifles me from being my best in any given situation. Or maybe it isn’t that… I place sex in very high regard and I’m constantly thinking about it. I don’t know if that is a bad thing but I know that I don’t like it running my life. I don’t think that it does but I know that it plays a huge role in how I act and I can see it and feel it and I know others can too. I’m at this place where I don’t want that shit to run my life anymore so I’m taking some action to get over it. I love fucking don’t get me wrong. I love sex and all that has to do with it. But I need to focus my energy on the other things in life such as working up to that. I’ve always been the kind of guy that has hooked up in 2.5 seconds and hated you in 3.1 seconds. Not so much hated you in that time but… I got what I wanted, you gave it to me, you’re a whore and now I want to go hangout with my friends and I also want to be able to call you anytime I want to fuck you again. That’s pretty much how it’s been for me and I really don’t like it… well, I don’t know if I don’t like it or if it stopped working for me… I don’t really know because I never really even go out and meet girls, which is what I’m vowing to do this summer. Just put on the smile and go out to some shit hole bar and play some pool or something and act the part and try to make something happen. But the negative part for me when it comes to that is the whole entire drinking aspect. I don’t drink and that’s one of the hardest things for me to deal with when it comes to going out to places and trying to meet girls. I feel like an alien because I don’t drink and one of the other things that have been so hard for me is the entire element of male testosterone. I fucking hate guys that do steroids and wear striped shirts. I mean, I don’t hate them but they just really make me uncomfortable. It’s like their entire life is based on the gym and tanning salon. I just don’t get it. I’m into being healthy and I know I could drop a few pounds which I’m working on, but this whole gym, tanning, plucked eye brows, whiten teeth thing is just fucking brutal! And the other thing that bothers me is when it comes to the male persona and bar fights. I use to be all into getting into fights and beating people down and having my friends help me out and fuck the world! I don’t do that anymore and I can’t afford to get into fights. And there is always the chance that some jealous dude is going to come out of the woodwork and try to get crazy with me. And girls these days seem to like that shit; especially girls on Long Island. Oh wow, girls on Long Island. Let me tell you something. The women on Long Island are like guys. They are very masculine. It’s rather frightening. I know not all of them are like this but there are quite a lot that are. It’s just that… they seem so brash and tuff and some of them even look like dudes. I don’t know… The girls on Long Island are cute. They are young and tan and hot. Their boyfriends are usually gym rats and they all seem like their faces were dipped in stone before they left their house. Lighten the fuck up guy! This isn’t the UFC. Which brings me to another element. Hey, I know you watch that shit on spike and pay per view. I do too. In fact, I grew up with Tito Ortiz in HB and one of my best friends use to kick Tito’s ass in High School. That friend is Wade Hinkle and he will fuck you up too! So I watch that stuff too but to actually take that attitude and incorporate it into my daily routine of life… That isn’t going to happen with me. But there are plenty of guys it is happening with and all I can say is save it for someone else; save it for some other time in your life or save it for the octagon you morons! Really. Life isn’t about kicking people’s asses. Maybe you think it is but Life is about living and I’ve seen so many of my friends get into mad trouble behind fighting and I’ve had close friends of mine die from bar fights. It isn’t worth it. But I can’t tell any of you that. You will have to go out there and find out on your own. I’m sure that most people reading this are not like the person I am describing, but I don’t know you. I just needed to get out some of the reasons why I don’t go out to clubs and bars. Drunken people are idiots. They act like stupid fucking assholes and I really can’t stand them. That is the number one reason why I don’t like bars, end of story. Bye.

 

6.29.08 / New York / 1236AM: Another day… we float through life. Some of us drag bottom. Everyone does at times. The more I live the more I understand the meaning of dependence upon something other than human beings. I’ve spent so much time blaming others for where I am when it’s really my… it’s really my own… responsibility to try an carve out my future with whatever tools I can put together. I’m still here to feel the feelings of people I was close to that are no longer here… I don’t know if I’m cool with that but I have to be. I want to be here as long as needed. There have been some close ones recently. And I guess a lot of people didn’t even realize how close I was with these people. Some absolutely knew while others didn’t. It’s okay though. I have to be cool with it. Another reason why I need to put my dependence into something that doesn’t fail me; something that isn’t here but it is. I don’t know how to explain it. There are such tragic things that have happen but there are perfectly beautiful occurrences, which have, and are, taking place right now. My eyes are open for the future. There are things I don’t understand. I’m so use to vulnerable girls hitting me up. It isn’t like that in New York. It’s been pretty difficult to cultivate some desire for others interest. There has been plenty of my own desire… What are you gonna do… The bottom line is that I’m really happy. I have to tell you. I walk everywhere now. I feel really well most of the time and this is one of those times and moments. I’m digging life. Summer is amazing. The whether is hot and beautiful and I love sweating to it; makes me know I’m a live and my heart is beating with the rhythm of life. I just have to say that I’m really working on not letting anyone know when I’m going through shit except for a few people. I just have to be respectful of others and not rain on their parade. Each time I throw negative shit out in the air I have to expect to get some of that back in any medium that exists. I almost feel guilty when I talk to people about my problems. I really don’t have any to be honest. And if I do, well, I should be sharing the solution within the context of the problem. Or, I shouldn’t be sharing it at all. There is the last solution, at least for myself, and what I usually result to lastly, seeking the answer to the problem by asking questions. I count on my sponsor for this. There are others that I speak with but in general terms and in relation to their issue, if they have any. Most people do. Not that I’m seeking that, because I really don’t. However, sometimes, a lot of the time, people tend to talk about their issues. I follow along relating my own experiences to theirs. It’s the way of the world; like real-time confessions. I dig it. It’s amazing therapy. And at the same time I have to stay positive. Be an example. I can’t always do this. But I can try. And I can remember, it’s my choice whether or not I’m going to put negative shit out in the universe. Sometimes I have no choice. Other times, a lot of the time, I do have a choice. Squelch that shit yo! 



Fathers Day 2008: I just have to say today was hard and good and bad and great and nice and… I usually call Mike Conley on this day, Fathers Day. Not this year. Not anymore years… It’s fucking sad as ever too… Today I was so sad I couldn’t even cry… I can’t even imagine how his family feels… His daughters… It just bums me out to an extreme of numbness… that’s all for today.

6.14.08 / New York / 131AM: having friends is a big deal. They come and go… It’s a commitment to have a friend. I just got turned out tonight. Let down. You know, I make moves now. This isn’t Orange County that I live in anymore. It’s New York and the people are real. I’ve met some great people that give a shit about me; people that care more than some people I’ve known for mad years. I know shit happens and things come up. I always wondered how people I met from New York pulled off life in OC. I just don’t get it. I love it there don’t get me wrong, but New York is where it’s at for me; at least right now, and right now may last for a long time. It just sours me how conditional people are. If it isn’t some cunt from Philly, it’s some prick from who knows where. Seriously though. I try to give my all with my friendship and I’m really over it right now. I need to stay in this frame of mind too because every time I let my guard down someone else is fucking letting me down. I’m done. Really, I am. If you want a friend go find one on craigslist or myspace. It was one of those nights. Once again I’m doing amazing shit, and I’m all alone in doing it. It really doesn’t matter because I will laugh and have fun regardless of who’s with me. If shit is funny, I’m laughing. Like tonight when I went to the Captured Premiere. There was a part when someone was lighting M-80’s in Tompkins Square Park when all the cops were around and I really thought that was funny! I was on this roof watching this amazing documentary about The Lower East Side of New York City and I’m standing there alone but content and into it. But I could have shared with someone the things that they may not have known like how there was a lot of footage of GG Allin getting crazy and a bunch of other stuff. It was amazing! I was so glad I went but soon after that I wanted to go out and I had no one to go out with. I tried calling some people and no one picked up. Whatever… That was what spawned this whole thought process of how fucking lame having friends is. Listen, I live in New York and there is mad shit to do. I don’t give a fuck about you or what you think about me and my attitude. You can suck a cock whore! I would give someone the world and my heart and at the same time stab you in your neck because I’m fucking crazy… But then again I wouldn’t do that. If I had to I would. But listen, I text these upper Westside jewish girls and they don’t get back to me. It’s all bullshit! It makes me mad and it makes me contemplate my life and why I even reach out to people. All they do is get close and shit on you. It’s fucked. Megan and that whole crew of sluts! Fuck you all!!! I’m drinking a coke on ice and its 202am and I really don’t care about any of this shit. But I do or I wouldn’t be writing about it. Listen, I love my life, don’t get me wrong. I love things in general. Everything has been going really well. There are going to be bad days in this mix of all the good ones and I’ve been on a run of mad great days so one little obstacle is no big fucking deal. What is a big deal is that I will not contact any of these people about anything anymore. I have new friends and a new life. All the old ones can suck it! I’m still finding out who my real friends are and it sucks! Conditional bullshit! Fuck it. I only have one life to live and I’m not living it for these people that are flakes and back stabbers. Don’t have time for it. Don’t like it… Don’t need their bullshit attitudes… I’ve heard it before!!!

6.7.08 / New York / 524AM: turnstiles are clicking in the New York night… metro pass haven in wallet size plastic wrap… the train is leaving on short notice hurry… 108 to manhattan… the L train… we walk down streets in Williamsburg… we talk about other times… we talk about how fucking ridiculous our old friends have become and how they push the knife in slowly and steadily… how when I needed them most they were no where to be found in their selfish justification and poor excuse for a life mother fuckers! Always talking about how much you hate my friend and then when he’s dead you show up to his funeral… real man aren’t cha! How you said I should feel bad about not visiting with my father when in reality I did the right thing by sticking up for myself and regarding my boundaries. But you were just like all those other fucking mooks in Newport… Always out to help someone if you could help yourself. Maybe you did the best you could… maybe you really did have good intentions but at the end of it all you were nowhere to be found… it crushed me… and all of you just seemed to laugh when I went away… it was like you didn’t even care… so one sided… but I have to say I’m moving on with my life and I’m growing up the best I can. And I’m not that mean prick that makes fun of people when they show up to a meeting to get help. I will never be that mother fucking loser cocksucker! That has to be the most bullshit I’ve ever witnessed in my clean life. You even told me that if I want self-esteem then I should do esteemable acts. What about all that shit… I’m over it and you! I want to talk about cab rides to Penn Station and the fact that I’m living in New York and riding the train and subway and I have a commitment at a meeting now and things are going really good… I can get really side tracked with how much people let me down but I have to remember that human beings will always fail me… And at the same time I really think it’s shitty when people are just plain mean. Have some fucking compassion… Moving on… New York is my new home… I’m sticking it out here… I love you New York…

June 5, 2008 / 221AM / New York: I’m going to act like you… the short end of the stick tonight… this tragic lonely epic New York night that I love so much… I miss all of you… Krista especially… and the ones in the future, I miss you too and I don’t even know you… because I know me and in knowing me I know I will be missing you… oh that’s so sad in the future but right now I will love this place I am in… like I’m inside you fermenting… your alluring effervescence… I’m lost inside of you… in your pictures and words and the thought of how you would taste beneath the Brooklyn night… beneath the skyline of love… in that hotel on Madison Ave… all night we fucked… more and more and more and pictures and stories and tales of other times and landing in San Diego for more of that but it wasn’t the same as New York but I tried to love you the same and it just made me sicker and sicker inside because we both changed so much… I literally felt sick… the room in that little hostel began to close in on me… my thoughts were drowning in the noise from 5th street San Diego madness… you on top of me like the wind before and now a storm… I close my eyes and grasp into the non-reality that comes with you… so many memories… and the disco plays all-night… so loud and fast and rocking… this summer is going to be the best summer ever!

 

4.24.08 / 2:31AM: I’m gonna make it there one day… the dreams of the people… the kids that hold us hostage in order to provide someone something we never had… and the hostage situation is voluntary… Holly Brook is playing piano right near me in this little dark room… she hums a verse and it sounds really beautiful… the kind of stuff dreams are made of… and maybe others saw it too… the fire in her heart… the fire in his soul… the wanting to come to New York… and do something else… that’s me… I took this risk… im gonna ride it out now… im here for the duration… the last ride… until next time… that long drive to somewhere still and somber… I was with Holly & Stefano when I got the news about Mike Conley passing away… so I feel connected to them in the way of the spirit… and we sit here all doing our thing… in our own worlds but so intertwined together in the mystic music business… the shallow trench where thieves and pimps run free and good men die like dogs… I love New York… when you get to be my age you really find out who your friends are… keep your friends close and your enemies closer… they die and go to prison and get married and have kids and move away and go insane and go to rehab… and some make money and forget about ya… some get poor and I forget about them… all I can do is type my words and watch the little pencil at the bottom of the page move… it lets me know I’m keeping pace… once the red x shows up that means I’m lagging… I don’t want to lag… I want to make things real… I see these scripted shows… and here the excuses of the people and their clothing companies… but once a band starts to blow up you all wanna come running… fuck you! It’s too late. I’ve been getting shut down lately from a bunch of people and let me tell you, that’s completely okay. Just don’t believe to much in redemption because it doesn’t go down like that where I live. I’ve dealt with shadey fucking people my whole life. The sucker fishes and the bottome feeders and losers and scumbags and prick motherfuckers that want some when the well is full… but when I wanted something which was only going to benefit you in the long run in the first place you just gave me some fucking excuse about some shit… and you don’t wanna make a deal because you don’t know that bartering in the music business is how things work… you think you can walk around and take some pills here and there and be okay… and show up late to the meetings… and its just one big fucking show for you… it just makes me a little mad that you tried to throw some shit in my face about what I didn’t hook you up with… and how the higher-ups were over it… that’s why I make my own rules and run my own show. Fuck those higher-ups! They can suck my cock. But that would be sick! Such a figure of speech. I’m so bitter at the human race… but I’m more bitter at the people that claim a bunch of shit about being friends… you know nothing about it… let me give you an example fool, Drew Steverson calls me tonight to say hello. We talked for a while. 30 minutes or so. And we know that if we don’t talk for a long ass time that we are always on the same page NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS!!!! That’s true friendship. Anything else is bullshit. Maybe you did get played. Maybe I did use you. Maybe you played yourself… did you ever think about it from that angle???? You should… and make a realization that you’re alone because maybe you think you’re too fucking cool or you’re just too amazing… you’re really not that big of a deal… if you were don’t you think you would have more friends… maybe you wouldn’t… maybe you like being alone with all that money… I think you’re a fucking prick piece a shit! You and a bunch of other people that thought they were helping me out… but wasn’t it me that was going way out of the way to help you come up? Yes it was. And I don’t forget that shit but you obviously do forget. I’m talking about three people in this piece… the people that have menial jobs at big companies… and those people are getting rich off you… maybe you’re just a puppet… I don’t really care! What happens when I make shit happen? I can’t even get certain people to come to shows I’m putting on or getting tickets to. It’s amazing! It really is a drag. The one person that wants nothing to do with me out of her complete self-obsessed existence is the one I want to smash in the head! But I wont do that because I don’t want to go to jail and I wouldn’t waste my time on you now that I know you’re just another cunt bitch! And to the other mooks… I actually thought of so many people when I wrote this… just fucking assholes! Pride yourself in being a mean, inconsiderate prick! I don’t hang around with people like you. I say what I want in my writings because I can. My name is attached to this and if there is anything that you did tell me it was that everyone else is playing it safe… I took that to heart. But I also took to heart that me talking about you as my friend is pretty much bullshit unless you want something from me… and that wont happen anymore because I don’t need you and I was desperate and you felt it and took it all for granted… this isn’t safe… was Bukowski safe? No way!!!! I’m not selling out tonight… I’ve made it this far, why change now… unless it will help others… you’re not the only one that feels like this… that’s why I’m writing what I write… I want you to know that you’re not a lone with your thoughts of hating people. Most people are a let down. The ones that don’t let you down are the ones to confide in… everyone else is just that, everyone else.

4.22.08 / 2:32AM: almost another year passing to my life. My birthday is on the 25th. Gonna be 41. Don’t know where the time goes but it goes… just another day gone by… and what have I done to change my life… to enhance the place where I live… I don’t know… at moments it seems the same. Other times its just… I don’t even know. I get upset at girls really easily. Its such a childs game. And the girls im mad at are children just realizing life… they have such a long way to go… im a good lesson for them. Something to compare to their new boyfriend who may as well be a poster child for goodness. That isn’t who I am. I will never be that person. Im most likely gonna be that fuck buddy or rebounder boy toy. That big cock in the middle of the fight with your stupid boyfriend… you think I want it like this? Not really, but im pretty much gonna take what is freely given to me. This is nothing new… it takes two so don’t blame all this shit on me. If you think im a dick then maybe I am. But let me tell you something, your girl thinks fucking me is the answer to the problem which is not the answer at all. And how am I to know she even has a boyfriend? Everyone wants the best of both worlds. The freedom to suck a cock in the drunken new york night and the safety and comfort of a home life with the guy that goes to work everyday to make a better life for you and have kids and do all the right things that are safe. The stroller in the park with the kids and the vacations and all the insurance papers and bills and schools… I cant do it. Im the person in the mirror that wants what is right but is almost incapable of making that happen… someday I might change… I have compassion in my heart like no one else… for life and change and youth and futility and blessings… but I also want the unsafe feelings of being on the edge of life… maybe someday I will be different but if you want to be my friend or lover or whatever, I will try to be the best person I can be to you. Trust me, I care about what you think. But im not willing to change to suit you. I care a lot. Almost to much. But im not willing to change for you. I am willing to change but it needs to be genuine. I cant do this shit for you. Or because I think someone’s mother is going to read this and judge me because I talk about cocks and cunts and whores and hookers and I say words like fuck and bitch and all the above… change will manifest itself at the exact time it is needed. Until then, I will write the way I feel and be as real as I can with whatever I do and create. I will say yes more and work on doing more… being more… be more… do more… I am more than I will ever know… to sum this up I will say that what I do usually takes another person to bring out something in me. Be it music or sex or words or whatever. Frustration… wondering why girls don’t get back to me but I have to remember those girls are young and on the move and if I was really a prick motherfucker they would all be writing me back and wanting to hangout so I can butt fuck them without a condom… at this point all I can really say is I don’t care about you anymore. You want safe, go find safe. I’m not safe. But in my arms you will never feel safer…

4.22.08 / 11:36AM: another journal is loading up with sentences and words and thoughts and ideas and things that im doing and things that ive done… im up early today. Before ten am. That’s early for me. Been trying to adjust to this new york time zone and its been almost three weeks now and im finally settling into it. Im really trying to let things roll off my shoulders in the sense of things that bother me. It doesn’t take long and everything starts to wear me down. So im working out and trying to eat right. I gain weight extra fast so it really does matter what I eat. I have to watch that shit. Im gonna try to get a spot at a club so I can promote and have an obligation to go into the city every week. I will speak with caron about that. She promotes all the spots in NYC. Aside from these things we have some things that have to be done today as for OCD Music Group stuff. That’s one of the main reasons I came out to NY too. Thank God I have work here. I was dying in Cali. I owe a bunch of money and it doesn’t feel good to be in that place. Slowly I am getting myself out of that debt and into something good. I tried so hard to get my credit score up and in good standing and I was at 650 across the board. But then my car go repossessed and everything went down hill from there. It was just bullshit after that! The bills started piling up and to be honest I sort of ran from that shit. I took this small brown box that was full of my bills and I threw them all in the dumster. What choice did I have. Really. I don’t have the money. Credit card bills. Its so crazy. I strive for one thing and the complete opposite happens. Its fucking crazy! But I keep moving forward. What choice is there… I have to. Im sure I could do so much more. People like Mike Conley would always push me to do more. That was what he was about. But I would always have an excuse or listen intently about the message he was conveying. It all made perfect sense. One time he said to me, “you gotta get out there with your book. You need to do more readings and promote that thing. What are you doing?” he went on and on. It was amazing! I was just like, “I know. I know.” But I never really did anything. When there’s no market it’s a bit hard. Its one of those things, books are not like a band. They are much harder to promote. I sent my fucking book out to so many people and the only ones that reviewed it were the people I knew. There was no sense of embracement. It was rather unnerving. That’s the entire reason why I published my own book. If I were to wait for someone to publish me I would be like every other wanna-be writer out there. You need an agent, you need to stop bashing women, you need this and that… by the time the people are done with me I’m nothing and no-one and I’m stripped of everything that makes me who I am. Just another peoples puppet habituated by others… so the solution is to build my catalog and come out of the box strong. Or fall into the category of complete wagonism and be like every other pile that thinks they’re going to change the scope of literature. It aint gonna happen. Look at “on the road” by Jack Kerouac. That book was written on a scroll with absolutely unique punctuation. Kerouac coined his own style even if some folks think he stole his literary genius from Neal Cassady. Wherever it came from, it was brilliant! And Jack did not follow the norm. He made shit happen his way. He had the help of Allen Ginsberg and all the Beatniks which was a tremendous help. And I have to look at that. And pay head to Lawrence Ferlinghetti who published Allen Ginsberg’s Howl poem which is literary history. Everything else is just that, everything else. I completely understand what Lawrence did and that is what im doing. He started city lights book store in san Francisco and it still stands on the corner of broadway and Columbus. The timing was perfect for all of them. Howl was considered obscene but ferlinghetti who published the poem won the case. Judge Clayton Horn decided the poem was of "redeeming social importance". My point exactly. And this is the model I will recreate with my own twist and so be it!