/////JOURNAL///////// Welcome to my journal. I update this shit every so often. It's not like I get paid to do this so I pretty much do it whenever I want... Like Ron Gaborie's answering machine used to say back in the day, "have a nice day". I miss that guy... To all my friends, past, present, future: "to thine own self be true". In literary criticism, Stream of Consciousness is a narrative mode that seeks to portray an individual's point of view by giving the written equivalent of the character's thought processes, either in a loose interior monologue, or in connection to his or her actions. Stream-of-consciousness writing is usually regarded as a special form of interior monologue and is characterized by associative leaps in syntax and punctuation that can make the prose difficult to follow. The New Book >>> TO BE RELEASED 2012 To your right is the cover of my new book titled: "Reality is Killing Me." The contents are my journal entries from 2007 and 2008, with portions of the 2008 entries deriving from when I lived in New York. There are also five short stories along with a myriad of letters from people who bought my first book. Overall, the book is vast, and somewhat a continuation of my first book but it goes deeper and the short stories show a new and more mature style in my writing. I'm not one to tell you how awesome I am or try to sell you this book. It is what it is. I'm real and that comes out in my words. Very real in fact. And I'm a recovering drug addict with over ten years clean & sober. My views are skewed. I'm somewhat sick in my mind. I don't think like the average person. This is my angle. Stream of consciousness is my style. The people around me are the subjects. Untreated alcoholism is where the bitterness comes from and that petulance makes my words stick inside you like a sharp object on a prison yard... |
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Here are some selected Journal Entries from various times in my life. Some of these clips are in my first book which you can purchase on Amazon or contact me on facebook for a copy. The title is: "Everything About You Was Cute Until You Wouldn't Fuck Me Anymore." I really started to find my voice when I was living in New York in 2005. There are some entries from that time period right on up to the present day. Enjoy. Sincerely, Joel Bull
///// Featured Poem ///////// A poem by Abelardo “Lalo” Delgado stupid america, see that chicano +++++ +++++++++ September, 29. 2011 // East Rutherford, New Jersey: Here we are at the Fairfield Inn in East Rutherford, New Jersey. Boris is the sound guy for X on this tour. We share a room. Today's drive was about 5 hours. Short in comparison to some of the drives we have ahead of us. Four shows down, eight to go. That means, two four-show runs with a day off inbetween each four day period. The last show is in Denver. I've been bitter the past few days. Just sour as ever. I got to a meeting tonight which helped me to calm down. I need to stay on top of that. All has been well. Making a living. Working on some new ideas for a website and an online store. I have to get my book done and really focus on creating some cool stuff. I feel like all I do is work and I need to take a break and create something like a photo show or some shirts or something... This tour has been really awesome because I'm working for a band who is iconic history. I grew up listening to X on Rodney On The ROQ in the early 1980's. So when I'm hanging out in the van or back stage with John Doe, Exene, DJ Bonebrake, and Billy Zoom, I have to say, it's an interesting experience. Everyone is really cool. I'm glad to be here... The picture to your right is at Lou Rose Music Center in Edison, New Jersey. We stopped here to drop off John Doe's Ampeg SVT Head in order to be fixed. I found a Baritone Ukulele that I want to buy. My girlfriend has a Ukulele and now I want to get one. 06.20.11 // Long Beach, Califas: Back in Long Beach... Last week I worked for X and was out of town for two days. I worked four shows leaving on a Wednesday morning and getting back Saturday night. The first show was at Great American Music Hall in San Francisco. We stayed at The Phoenix Hotel. I love SF. The show went really well. The crowd was super into it. The next day we were at Uptown Theater in Napa, California. That show was somewhat different because the theater is all seats. Needless to say, people were sitting for the show. They served grapes in large plastic bowls on the way out the door. I was in the lobby all night selling merch. The next day we went to John Doe's house and he cooked breakfast for the entire band and crew. I have to say, that was the highlight of the tour for me... That same day we drove to Santa Cruz for a five O' clock load-in at The Catalyst Club. I bought some jazz records in Fairfax and in Santa Cruz. The show was awesome and all the songs I grew up listening to reverberated in my head... The last show was in Ventura: The Johnny Cash Festival. I set up the X merch on a little dirty dust patch next to the stage and made the best of it. The Blasters, Lee Rocker, kris kristofferson, and of course, X. The entire show was really cool. Lots of nice old school cars, all the California Culture you can muster up, and plenty of good music. I had a blast! It's different when you're living out of a hotel and a small bag as apposed to a bus and a day room. I'm stoked about working for X. Touring is touring and I'm grateful to have a job and to get calls for work because I do the right thing and I work hard. Thanks to Mike Rouse for hooking me up; you've always done me right and I thank you for that! I leave for tour with The Rev next week. It's a short run of shows, 14 to be exact. I'll be home just in time for my sweethearts birthday. We're going to see Chris Isaak at Pacific Amphitheater... Today I hungout with my good friends Drew Steverson and Joel Bones at Gold Rush Tattoo in Costa Mesa, California. If you want to get a really good tattoo, go see Joel Bones at Gold Rush. It was awesome to hangout with those two this afternoon; a pleasant surprise to see Drew. I knew Joel was going to be there but had no idea Drew would be there getting tattooed. There's a lot of history with the three of us. Lots of clean times, and lots of not-so-clean times. We paid the price and seem to be on the other side, for the most part anyway; doing good, working, making a living... Some people aren't so lucky. Drew asked me if I was still writing. I told him, "I haven't been. I wrote for 15 years in search of true love and I finally found it so I stopped writing..." All three of us got a good laugh. But it's the truth. The desrciption of my book on Amazon was, "Journals of an Orange County punk who can't get laid." I was getting laid plenty. But as my favorite writer Henry Miller once wrote, "What's a fuck when what I want is love..." 6.11.11 // Long Beach, Califas: Been home from touring for some time now... Life is in full-effect and there's no time for anything other than work, or so it seems to some degree as of late. I'm working for X now. They played in San Diego last night at 4th & B. The previous week they played two shows at HOB Anaheim. Next week we are doing four shows up north in SF, Santa Cruz, Napa, and the Johnny Cash Festival. Then back out with The Rev at the end of the month. As for anything major... Nothing really. Just the routine and ingredients it takes to maintain a spiritual existence. I fall short on a regular basis but it's a far cry from where I was even a year ago. I can honestly say my life has never been better! The thing about having a some-what drama-free life is that I don't write when things are going well. I have to be in some serious inner turmoil and heartbreak in order to write anything... Maybe I can work on changing that. Pain is the great motivator... I'm grateful for my life today. 5.9.11 // Ithica, New York: I'm here in Ithica for a day off and a day of lament... Phil Jackson has retired from the coaching position for the Los Angeles Lakers. It's a bummer that his last games in the Western Conference Semis ended in an 0-4 sweep with the Dallas Mavericks serving up some serious torture in game 4. However, that does not take away what he has done as an NBA head coach. I have to say I'm sad... I didn't get to watch the historical last game because I was working in New York City and the satelite doesn't work on our tour bus because you can't run the generator when you're in Manhattan. So, I got a chance to see the highlights... We got swept and it really sucks! But I think I'm more nostalgic about Phil Jackson leaving... I'm not happy about the sweep, that's never a good feeling, but it happened and it's a done deal. I'm more concerned about knowing what's in-store for next year, who the head coach will be... how things are going to play out with some new players perhaps... This is the end of an era... The end of a legacy... I want to say "thank you Phil" for five championships. Unfortunately, we just couldn't finish it this season... I will always be a Los Angels Laker fan! I don't care what anyone says about the Lakers or how much someone hates Kobe Bryant. The fact remains that you cannot take away 16 Championships! You cannot take away the stats or the legacy of both the Lakers as a team, and Phil Jackson as a head coach. Thanks for 11 years in LA Phil! You will sorely be missed... 04.07.11 // Long Beach, California: I've finally finished adding content to my book "Reality is Killing Me!" I've inserted my New York Journals from the Fall of 2008 which I wasn't planning on adding but it just made sense and chronologically is worked out really well. The final contents are: 2007 Selected Journal Entries, Remembering Mike Conley, 2008 Selected Journal Entries from time spent in California and New York, five short stories, and some letters from various people about my first book. It feels really good to have this all together. My girlfriend is doing the final edit and then it goes to print. I'm really excited and can't wait to have a copy in my hands! There's been very little work lately. I'm doing my best to make things happen until I go back on tour April 18th. It's right around the corner... I'm happy to be going back on tour so I can make some money. Today I'm at home. Hopefully there will be some running around tomorrow. I feel blessed and gratified about my life even with the minor obstacles and challenges that I'm faced with. Cigars... lately, that's been what's happening. The reason why, because I've wanted to smoke a cigarette lately and I really dislike cigarettes. In fact, I HATE cigarettes and the smoke that comes from them! I can't even believe I smoked for as long as I did. WTF?!?! I'm somewhat free from that obsession now. It's not like I never think about smoking a camel non-filter... Just a fucking rush to the head and death sooner than later. If you smoke, good for you. I'm not judging you, I'm judging the dirty cigarette. 04.04.11 // Long Beach, California: Life... it twists and turns like a meat grinder cranking out the debauchery one fine fuck at a time. It's so good sometimes that it just makes sense to want to mess it up and brutalize the goodness of it all... LIfe in Long Beach has been good to me and my girlfriend. The most complicated of endeavors has been Roman, our 75 pound Weimaraner who pulled a muscle in his stomach and was crying when he tried to stretch. Needless to say, I was emotional showing tears at my powerlessness over the situation... What can one do when there is nothing one can do? Hope and pray for the best outcome possible and be loving and kind before, during, and after. He's getting better and that means faith works. Everything else is just that, everything else... I'm so glad Roman is okay. I don't know what I would do without him... I cried the entire night... Then again in the morning. I like to project the unforeseen and really be dramatic... I want to be loving toward everyone but that is so hard. At least that's what I've been trying to do. It works pretty well when you're humbled by circumstances out of your control... Funny how life can do that... It keeps me right-sized and for good reason. I don't need to be too egoic and centric... Life is good. I have problems that have solutions today. My life used to be one big messed up problem and I would feed off the drama of everyone around me; talking shit on mostly every person that I was, and was not friends with. What a nightmare! I'm really glad that I'm not living that lie anymore. I'm also glad that my friends are on the right path and there are really good examples around me. My girlfriend is so amazing and supportive and she doesn't put up with my shit and I need that. My entire life consisted of people co-signing my bullshit. What a misleading falsity; to have everyone around you agree with everything you say and do... That was not reality... And to unlearn that, wow! It's taken some time and I'm still not completely free from it. It's a long road of recovery; this process that takes away the bad and relplaces it with good... 3.13.11 // Long Beach, California: I understand why people that work have no drive to do other things. The nine to five is a killer of the creative spirit... The creativity seems to be diminishing slowly and surely... The tire around my waist grows a little each day... By the end of a weekend I have about enough steam to write down what has taken place in the past two weeks, in short form. I'm not complaining, only stating facts. I have to make this clear because I understand that some people get confused easily and need to be walked through the human experience of someone else and have it explained. The vicarious installation of imagination shared through words on a screen or in a book in order to experience some thing outside the realm of reality... The proclamation of gambling hearts intertwined beneath the desert dust as laughter is created to forget the deeds that sustained the cheating hearts in the first place... Life at the end... At the beginning... I think I'm somewhere in the middle or maybe a little past that... Near the end, Jack Kerouac wrote about how he was fat. What a fucked up thing to be subjected to. What if there was no such thing as a criticism in weight? Or appearance? Everyone equal... Makes me question my own thoughts and the way I see people... I think that it's so twisted; the things that are popular and hip. That's why I need to think outside the box when it comes to the norm of my thinking. But do I really? 2.27.11 // Long Beach, Calif: Tomorrow marks three years since Mike Conley passed on... I still lament about our time on this planet together... I'm sure plenty of people do. Most of the bitterness has gone away replaced by love and adoration for a life that helped me to change and see most things in a different light. I love you Mike. I will always keep you close to my heart... I moved to Long Beach with my girlfriend. We moved into a beautiful little apartment off West 3rd & Cedar. We're close to the hood which is nice because it keeps me in touch with what's happening in the real world. I don't miss Newport Beach & Costa Mesa in that sense. Too many SUV's and attitudes of "I'm rich and bitchen". I don't need that. Fake tits, botox, bullshit... I don't miss any of that. They can keep that shit down there in Fakeville... Aside from anything is something else and it usually all works out the way it's supposed to. I always seem to find things to bitch about... It's a disease. I have a disease... A dis-ease... A perception problem... But in the true reality of life I have everything I need and almost everything I want so there is no need for any sort of complaints... 1.11.11 // Costa Mesa, California: The new year is here and things are moving along just fine... Working and getting my shit together and making sure I stay on point because I do not want to be a statistic in this life. We are here for a moment and then gone... Specs of life inhaling the air and the atmosphere... I don't want to have TOO MANY YEARS AND NOT ENOUGH DAYS... This life is precious and you were here for just a flash and shared with me your inner most aspirations and I will always cherish those moments with you... Others are still here and they've forgotten about me... Not because they wanted to... They lost the power of choice... I understand that to some degree... Completely, actually... It's too bad that the drugs are stronger than us... God could and would if he were sought... You can't out-smart this thing... It's way fucking bigger and wiser than you and me or anybody for that matter... Why don't you just give up for real this time??? PLEASE!! I've said goodbye already... I have to. You've left me no other choice... Here we are... Haven't heard from one of my friends in so long it's like he died... I hate what drugs to do my friends... There is a way out but some people would rather try it their own way and fail miserably... It's too bad because there really is a way out... November 25, 2010: I just got back from tour on Saturday. I haven't updated my website since October 25. I kind of don't really care, but then again I do... It's really about being lazy and caught up in the life that is touring... There is so much more I want to do as for this website but I haven't been motivated for awhile. I'm going to get an interview with Johnny Twobags from Social Distortion on here pretty soon. There are so many people I can interview, I just haven't. I think I will reach out to The Rev also. The tour went great. I was gone for almost a month. Had a really good time and made some money. Also, the people that were suing Honda won their lawsuit and I got my money back from those pricks! Stoked!! July 22, 2010: Another day... One step closer to the end of life and one day closer to going back on tour. Don't mean to sound so morbid but whatever. Life is life and life is good and different and I don't agree with some things and I'm sure they don't agree with me at moments either but we are both here and this is our earth... Spell check cures me of all dysfunction and then again it does nothing but makes me spell correctly. There really isn't a lot going on. Leaving for tour on Monday. My girls bday is Friday and we're going out to dinner. Sushi. And love... That's it... April 12th, 2010//Costa Mesa, CA. 937PM: +++ Maybe someday we will burn in the streets at night and large red fire trucks will scream by neighborhoods with American Flags blowing in the wind while children point and look and don’t understand what the tragic reel of life spools out to its people… +++ in passing moments i really wish i could turn time back and crawl into the way things used to be, and if only you could come back and spend just one day with us it would remove this pain in all of our hearts... pleading with nonexistence is fucked! July 14th, 2010 – 10 years and 3 months sober. 1:49am: Wish I could write like you, be like you, feel your hand again and hear your voice to give me hope for my future and all those lonely tomorrows I have to go alone… tears form like grey clouds above and I know your down by law because I am… years of life gone in a flash so unexpectedly… I fucking hate it most of the time and my girl helps me live on with the best of memories in you and she knows what you mean to me… present tense… materials… work… fun and being loose… it all means nothing to me anymore, but then again you would dig a fucking hole until your hands bled and tell me, “this is what American was built on”. I would just wonder why and watch and ask to borrow money because I was unwilling to dig a hole in the ground and always let you do the work and I would take a back seat but I wanted so much to just be close… a phone call away… the long days… the years pass by… without you… its fucking brutal… I got to see the mother of your children yesterday and wish your oldest daughter happy birthday today… and you’re somewhere watching… you haven’t visited me in a while now… never again in reality and why are there such words that really don’t mean shit unless you were here to touch them with all of us… its painful without you… I wish I still knew you… I love you… April//2010: I need to get a fuckin job. It just seems like I’m a real loser and my self-esteem is in the fucking toilette. I’m broke and my outlook is really starting to look like shit. I need a job and I need one now. It just seems like there is no security in anything. Sure, I have a job with The Rev and I do really well with that job. But I’m broke a lot of the time while I’m in between work and I’m to the point where I can’t afford that anymore. I’ve been to that point so many times in my life. I don’t know… I’m sad and sidetracked. April 9, 2010//Costa Mesa, CA. 230am: Here I sit at typer hoping for something to come to me like the stars in the overcast night that hide from us all leaving our imaginations to work overtime in this west coast fog town Costa Mesa… The cold has been good lately with the days being very warm from the Santa Ana Winds coming from the east blowing right onto the Pacific Ocean… The windows open at night under covers of down feathers keeping the heat in with heating blanket on three and I’m like a moth or a bird incubating well into the afternoon remembering some dreams and forgetting most… What is important anymore? April 4, 2010//Costa Mesa, CA. 118AM: I went to go see Wulf Bane tonight at Tiki Bar and got shutdown because they wanted $7 to get in and I’m not paying to see the band I manage. Pretty brutal to be honest. But how were they to know I was going to see them play. And don’t fucking post shit on Facebook telling people the gig is free when it is not. I sometimes wonder why I even try; why I make an attempt at something not knowing the slightest as to where it’s going to end up. I get myself involved in all sorts of bullshit and then I have to fight my way out of it like I’m in a gang. I get pissed when shit doesn’t go my way. I feel like I should be way further along than where I’m at in my recovery. I know I’m right where I’m supposed to be but I need to make some changes with my existence in the way of work and getting something more consistent. I’ve always been like this: lazy and looking for a handout. I’m not going to lie and tell you something that isn’t true. There is no denial for me. But then again there is because if that’s how I’m going to operate then I better re-evaluate my life and make the needed changes in order to make a living and pay my own way. I can’t do this shit anymore because it’s not just about me now. I have a girlfriend and rent and bills; the former is new, the latter has always been here. I just seem to get myself into situation that I have a hard time getting out of. Borrowing money from people that work hard for their dough just seems shitty. But I have to remember that I do have a job, it’s just not as consistent as I need for it to be and the fact that I get 1099'd, well, that’s just another headache I have to deal with. I barely get by and right now I’m really at the end of my money so I’m trying to hustle and make shit happen. I wonder when the delusional part of my farcical ways will subside? I’ve been in this corner so many times before. My entire life has been made up of a series of let downs due to yours truly trying to do as little as possible to make ends meet in a haphazard way. However, things are starting to change for me. I’m not lazy. I work hard when I work. I’m great at what I do. I hustle and make shit happen. I’ve made really good money at points in my life. But I’ve made way less over the majority of my life. I really hope things change soon. I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. I know I will go on but I need to be fired up on life. I can’t believe how large my threshold for being let down is. I get right back up and start plugging away again and again and again. I think it’s insane at moments. I don’t like going to bed broke and hungry... Tuesday, July 26, 2005 ny-11: dear city beats and total dysfunction, i put on counting crows and listened for awhile... raining in baltimore.... it felt good to think about you... and im really glad we never played music together when we hung out... all this stuff is passing and a friendship is developing... i always seem to get things backwards.... especially relationships with the opposite sex... male friends are easy in comparison. so i hung out in the city this weekend. it was neet! i got lost in the bronx... haha. that wasnt to funny though. ice cream trucks and lots of culture... and the train... spray paint everywhere.... 180th street... and hot! real hot... like cancun hot! like mexico city hot! like lisbon hot! really like lisboa... melting flip-flops on rooftops... like burning hot coals inside the fire pit at tower 14 in HB back in 1981 when i was cool. so i was on the train and the buildings were passing me by.... and the train glass was smeared with hand prints and the people outside looked blurry and cartoonish with News Day Papers waiting for the next train... i only looked slightly at them bending my neck around to glimpse all that is Bronx, New York! a bronx tale... a story about a boy... about a girl.... about a relationship.... about a fight... about how i thought about others... about all this life that sucks you up into the tornado we call boredom... we twist it into fragments that suit us and discard the rest with a smile... i like this life even if we are friends.... i laugh at that... because i know its more then that... and the city is so big... and i get lost... i get even more lost in thoughts of you... it wont change either... when you realise who put there hand out and when you touched it it felt warm... moving forward i still listen to whats inside... but in my ears i hear sullivan street by counting crows.... and im not going home today.... and maybe not for a long time... maybe never.... just maybe we will be together again... this rest in my flowetry was only to become stronger than the tornado.... NY-12 - Friday, July 29, 2005: the sky was twisting as the boat headed into the night.... lobster dinner and thoughts of you... its always thoughts of someone.... and they subsided with the twisting stars as the boat turned in the atlantic ocean.... the motor stopped and i lied down and stared upward.... when we once again started moving the reflection from the lights in the bay onto the water was something out of a movie... my life story.... sparkling...... radiant.... amazing and soothing..... glowing.... and the white water from the engine and speed of the boat coming out the sides and back..... and there i was in NY..... i felt at peace with myself.... for a little while as i looked up nothing mattered....... i was so in the moment.... so in love with where i was at...... those twisting stars and scattered white clouds.....and the even sound of the engine..... purring like you once purred.... but my thoughts were not on you or her or anyone..... just the night and me.... and if there is a god he was there too..... how can something be so beautiful... how can a feeling be so right... and i was not denied for being completely me..... the sky welcomed me and embraced me with all its might.... then later on i fell asleep and had a dream i was the millionth customer at starbucks and i got a gift certificate for $5000 dollars to nieman marcus.... what a fucked dream that was.... i woke up to my reality from all of this alone in a room on long island wondering....... Thursday, September 08, 2005 // OC ninth entry dear time, we are so one with each other and so distant all in the same breath... reading today and that was about all. passwords and thoughts strewn together in a pattern so unconventional. inspired by thee and uninspired as well. how does that happen? how can you be so inspired by someone and then ruined by that person as well? its suiting. such is life. and no access to my mail... the eyelids start to close and i didn’t want to say what i said but i said it anyway. maybe there was a bigger part of me that wanted to say what i said. this person does not rule my life! things became blurry. i loved more. one usually does. and that one suffers too. limited to no one... a part of someone... distant from everyone... its interesting how i feel just as alone where i grew up as i do in new york... you have what i need. I have what i need. do i have what i want? what i want isn’t healthy for me in the sense of wanting someone that is so unavailable. its nice to realize how much i care. and to know that i will be able to share that with someone, some day, makes me feel good... and it makes me feel like a fool too... but what is life without a risk? nothing! i cant short-change myself any longer... open up to me... the new ones... the great ones! Saturday, September 10, 2005 // OC twelfth entry dear ocean mist, the fire pits burned on the beach. little glowing specs as i passed by on pacific coast highway. the aroma reminded me of when i was a kid peddling my bike down the boardwalk. the clouds were grey and hovered above the horizon of the ocean. the mist coming in my windows as the sun made its way to the international date line. i took a right on brookhurst street in huntington beach and headed toward banning street. once i was at Hamilton street memories again appeared. sea spray, villa pacific... the places i ran away to when i was 14 years old. never a dull moment. getting chased by cops through parks and long sidewalks. carving in the benches outside gisler middle school. those times so far away... the things i see today in my jaded olderness. trying to put something together and living in fear most of the time. ideas come and go and the good ones leave quickly. the room begins to smell of cigarette smoke. the keys take me on a mission; a journey called life. taking advantage of the time alone. before i know it i will be up-rooted and living back at café’s all day long. thinking about being a writer while i listen to songs of freedom. i feel pretty good. almost too good. It’s a bit scary. but i should feel good. my head twirls like an umbrella in a play. hold me close honey. Tell me that you will always be here for me. don’t let go. kiss me on the neck and let me know. my back begins to arch slowly. im distant again. making something from nothing is easy for me. i lie. We run in the night to places that are beautiful. the sky turns green. then black. we run faster. together. ending up in a little place that’s south of no north. and the drinks ensue. Sitting at the bar with the open doors to the street. a mexican dive. we’re together. and nothing else matters. the garden of eden. the music plays on a broken speaker and im dancing with a french girl in the darkness of night. she is close. And very dark. petite. holding me. she knows no English. we end up at the hotel. it’s a speechless night. the sounds of traffic outside the balcony. busses go by. voices appear and fade. i awake and you’re gone. I rub my eyes with my knuckles as i sit up. there’s a lamp between me and the other bed with a blanket over it. the room is still dark. i head to the tube and make it to the louvre. im looking at the mona lisa and its so small. too many people. i walk for what seems to be miles. i need a cigarette. it’s been a few hours inside this giant maze. i stop for an espresso at a small deserted cafe. the sky is grey. its damp on the sidewalks. i viewed my first picasso in a museum in san sebastian, spain. im thinking of that. and the cab rides in Japan. This is a clip of my life... +++++ +++++++++ Procrastinating Reality // November 6, 2009 This is not happening But those who wish to believe And it was all written down inside a green military diary… While Miles Davis sketched his sketches of Spain Staggered streets Through hollowed out eyes Life’s turned into Thought things would be normal again I think and I think Tucked away behind a gated project community Waiting for some substance Returning is our man… So many nights +++++ +++++++++ Friday//May 29, 2009//9:23pm: Time puts things to rest. The memories fade away and the summer develops new vines around new hearts and some of the former ties twist their roots into the ground and fade away beneath the soil... I dig my hands into the ground from time to time and cultivate the old memories... the deep seeded feelings and thoughts of lovers come and gone... it’s like yesterday over and over again... being away from everyone I know makes me cherish each one of you that much more... the memories and laughter and intimacy shared between two people, or the first moments alone like blooming flowers reaching for the sun... shadows and movements in the darkness caressing howling hearts beating fast with mouths open inhaling moments so thick with blissful memories and shallow make-believe intimacy hidden beneath the folds of a skirt bursting with chemistry… the newness it can bring… and the madness created by wanting more… we strive to get back to the beginning and start over again… it never seems to happen the way we would like for it to happen, but on occasion it does, and we slip back into the rich soil where the earth is moist with our treasure... |
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